


Forsaken

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-18
Updated: 2006-03-17
Packaged: 2018-08-16 06:46:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8091748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Trip deals with another loss. Postep, 3.24 "Zero Hour." (04/25/2004)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

Three weeks. 

It's been three weeks since the end of the Xindi conflict. Three weeks since Captain Archer and the rest of the crew of Enterprise battled the reptilian and insectoid factions of the Xindi, since Shran showed up again to lend an Andorian hand. Three weeks since the Vulcansâ€”led by none other than Ambassador Sovalâ€”arrived shortly after Shran to offer fire power against the enemy, since the weapon was destroyed, since our victory over the Xindi.

It's been three weeks since I've seen her. Three weeks since T'Pol was mortally wounded, since Soval took her away on a Vulcan shipâ€”to be returned to Vulcan, presumably. He said it was his prerogative as a Vulcan to take one of his own back to their homeland to die an honorable death. 

I never even got to say goodbye. I'll never understand why he sent her over there. She wasn't fit for duty. I tried to beg him not to send her. He just got angry. His jealousy impaired his judgment.

* * *

_"She's not ready, Cap'n!" I pleaded. I was at his shoulder._

_Captain Archer spun around to face me. He leaned in close, almost nose to nose with me._

_"She's going, Trip," he spat. "That's final."_

_"But sir-"_

_"ENOUGH!"_

_Archer's eyes burned with an intensity I'd never seen before. It scared me. But what scared me more was that he was unwilling to listen. And I was unwilling to accept that as his final word._

_"Send a MACO instead," I said quietly but firmly._

_His eyes narrowed at me. "What is this?"_

_"She's not ready, sir," I repeated. "I can't let you send her over there."_

_"It's not your decision to make, Commander. Doctor Phlox has released T'Pol for duty." Archer turned his back on me and looked out his window._

_"He shouldn't have. She's unstable."_

_"So you're her psychiatrist now?" His voice was hard and cold._

_I was the closest she had to one. Aloud I said, "Phlox doesn't know her as well as I do."_

_At this, the captain turned back around. His scowl was deep. "Commander, you are out of line. I know you think you haveâ€¦feelingsâ€¦for T'Pol, but this is what she signed up for. She's going. She'll be accompanied by two MACOs. That's my final word."_

_I was outraged. My feelings, whether fabricated or genuine, had nothing to do with this. We stood glaring at each other for several long moments. I could feel my face get hotter by the second._

_"Fine," I finally managed through gritted teeth. "But if anything happens to her-"_

_"Dismissed!" He turned back toward the window._

_I spun on my heel and left._

* * *

I haven't had a full night's sleep since the night before T'Pol's mission three weeks ago. I can't get more than an hour or two without the nightmares starting up. These are so much different than the ones I was having after Lizzie's death, though. These nightmares are more than just survivor's guilt manifesting itself. This time I really did feel completely responsible. I could have done something moreâ€¦I _should_ have done something. She'd still be alive now if I had. Hell, I was right here! It's partially my fault she was dead.

The tears came again. I kicked off the blanket and sat up. I fumbled in the dark for a t-shirt and my briefs. I wiped my face as I padded to the door. Checking to make sure the hall was clear I darted off down the corridor. My feet carried me to her quarters, as they had every night since her death. I thumbed the lock and ducked inside.

Inhaling deeply, I could still smell her. My vision blurred as I reached a shaking hand down to the lighter that was on the desk. I lit her meditation candles. They were burned down, almost gone now. I'd hoped they'd last until we made it back to Earth. I could get more at the Vulcan compound.

I stripped off my clothes and curled up on the silky meditation pillows. They still smelled like her, too. I stared into the flame of one of the candles. There was no one to help me sleep now. In the time when I needed T'Pol the most, she wasn't here. I let the sobs come freely, wondering if they'd ever stop. Would there be a time in the future when I didn't have to cry myself to sleep? 

But I couldn't sleep. My eyes kept drifting to her bunk. Some nights I'd sneak in here and crawl right into her bed. Those were the nights that ached the most. Her scent was all over the sheets and pillows. I didn't dare send them down the laundry chute. I'll lose her forever if I do. The nights I crawl into her bed bring me back to the night before she left. The last night I'd ever spend with T'Pol.

* * *

_I sneaked down the hall, cautiously looking over my shoulder as I went. The last thing I needed was to be seen on my way to Sub-Commander T'Pol's quarters after midnight. It was one thing to be coming from her room after a scheduled neuropressure session, but going back long afterward was suspicious, even to me. I had to see her again. I'd tried to go to sleep but there was a nagging sensation that I couldn't shake._

_If I didn't see her now, I might never get the chance to tell her anything again._

_Crazy, I know. T'Pol's mission tomorrow was dangerous but she'd be back. She had to be. We need her now more than ever. Despite my efforts to convince Captain Archer to keep her on Enterprise, he refused. And I can see his point. She does have more experience in the field than all the MACOs combined. But stillâ€¦_

_I entered the code on her door and slipped inside. It was dark. She had gone to bed. I carefully made my way to her bed and knelt down before it. T'Pol's back was to me, her very naked back. My heart jumped at the sight of her. I watched her for several minutes, remembering what it felt like to hold her in my arms, remembering that night we shared not so long ago. I could feel a small smile creep across my face at the memory._

_That's what decided it for me. I stood up and removed my night clothes. Slowly I pulled back the covers and carefully crawled into bed with T'Pol. I spooned her, slipping my arm around her waist and gently pulling her against me. In her sleep, she snuggled right up. I sighed, kissed her softly on her shoulder and closed my eyes._

_No sooner had I done so than I felt T'Pol stir. She arched her back, stretching in a way that to me seemed very feline. Slowly she rolled over in my arms to face me. I opened my eyes. She was gazing sleepily at me. I smiled._

_"I couldn't sleep," I whispered sheepishly._

_"So you came here?" She raised an eyebrow at me. T'Pol didn't seem entirely surprised. In fact, it seemed that she might have been waiting for me._

_I ran a finger down her jaw to her chin. "It seemed like the logical thing to do."_

_She sighed and closed her eyes again. I felt her arm snake around my waist as a soft, smooth knee slipped between my thighs. I continued to gaze at her dozing form, my finger still traced a line over her chin and up to her lips. I've only kissed her that one timeâ€¦well, that one night. Many times that one night. I had a particular affinity for her bottom lip. And if I recall correctly, T'Pol had a certain something for mine._

_A shiver ran down my spine at the memories. I leaned forward and kissed her gently on the mouth. Her leg slipped further between mine. My thumb stroked her cheek. I didn't want to close my eyes again. I wanted this moment burned into my memory forever. My thumb arced down her chin and swept lightly over her bottom lip again._

_T'Pol's lips parted and her tongue poked out to caress my thumb. I could feel my heart rate speed up. She gently sucked my thumb into her mouth. Her hand slid up from my waist and clasped mine as her tongue swirled around my digit, up and down. My eyes rolled back into my head as I focused on the sensations she was eliciting. I felt myself harden against her. I didn't come here for sex. I just wanted to be with T'Pol._

_She pulled my thumb from her mouth and kissed the palm of my hand and then my wrist. She looked up at me. Our eyes locked for a long minute, just gazing at each other. I wanted her like I've wanted no other, in every way imaginable. I was scared out of my head. I would do anything for this woman._

_That's when it hit me: I'd fallen in love with her. Everything made sense to me in that moment, and at the same time I was confused as hell. I had no idea if she felt the same or if I was just a convenience for sexual release. There was really no point in thinking about it now. Tomorrow she would be gone, possibly forever. I decided that I really didn't want to know._

_There was only one thing I could think to do. I leaned forward and kissed her deeply. She pulled me over her, so I was laying on top of her. She'd already wrapped her legs around me, slowly grinding her hips against my erection. We kissed languorously, taking our time, enjoying each other's bodies at a slow and steady pace. I got the feeling I wasn't the only one with the notion that we'd never see each other again. We took our time, lazily making love to each other through the night. I worshipped her body, memorizing every minute detail, the sounds she made, the words she uttered in my ear._

_When morning came, I reluctantly put my clothes back on. I kissed T'Pol one last time before sneaking off down the corridor back to my own quarters. In the shower, I smashed my fist against the wall and cursed loudly at Captain Archer for sending her away._

* * *

I lay there curled up on the pillows. Mourning for T'Pol and feeling sorry for myself bled together. I didn't know what time it was and I didn't care, quite frankly. But if anyone finds me in her quarters, naked and crying they'll lock me up in Sickbay for the rest of the way home. Hell, they might even lock me in the brig. 

For the first time I noticed that two of the meditation candles had burned down to nothing. There were still three left, but they wouldn't last three more weeks. The thought of not lighting her candles every night brought a new lump to my throat. I bit my bottom lip to hold back the fresh tears brewing. I need to talk Chef into lending me some paraffin so I can make my own candles.


	2. Chapter 2

"Group therapy?!?" I exclaimed. 

Doctor Phlox smiled and nodded. I stood in front of him with my hands on my hips. He'd been closely monitoring the crew physically and emotionally since the weapon was destroyed. I, apparently, was one of his closer studies.

"You can't make me, Doc," I said indignantly. I knew very well that he could, of course, but there was no way I was going to voluntarily agree to counseling sessions.

"If you prefer, Commander, you can consider it more...couples therapy," the doctor said determinedly.

"The hell I can," I muttered.

"It's only for one session," Phlox reasoned. "We'll be back on Earth in a couple of days. You need closure, Commander."

"I have closure."

"You don't have closure with the captain," he said softly but firmly. "You lost a sister and a lover in less than a year's time. I'd hate to see you lose a best friend, too."

I sighed heavily and glared at the Denobulan. Looking at Phlox I saw a stubbornness in his eyes. There was no way I was going to get out of this. All he had to do was make it a doctor's order. 

"I expect to see you here tonight at 1930. I can make it an order, Commander," Phlox said, as if reading my mind. 

I turned around, acquiesced with a vague nod and left Sickbay. _Closure_ , I thought. It was a little late for closure. I've already had that conversation with Archer.

* * *

_"You wanted to see me, Cap'n?" I said as I stepped into his ready room._

_He had his back to the door, staring out the window. Archer slowly turned around. The expression on his face set my nerves on edge. He looked positively sick._

_"Trip," he said quietly. "Sit down."_

_I was scared. What the hell was going on? I was too nervous to sit._

_"What is it?" I asked. I took a step forward._

_"T'Pol-" he choked out, then cleared his throat. "T'Pol's been hurt. She was shot."_

_"Shot?" I repeated._

_"Twice in the stomach."_

_"She's going to be ok," I said quickly. "She'll be fine. She's strong, Cap'n. Stronger than you and I combined."_

_Archer said nothing. He wouldn't even look at me._

_"I'm sure Phlox can fix her up in no time," I continued. "You've seen what he can do with those-"_

_"Trip," Archer interrupted. "She's not here."_

_I stood there with my mouth open, staring blankly at the captain._

_"Soval took her."_

_My forehead creased into a frown. "Took her where?" I demanded._

_Archer sighed, clearly struggling with how to tell me what was next. "He's taking her back to Vulcan with him."_

_"Huh?" Why was he going there?_

_"He just sent over a transmission," Archer explained. His voice was soft but firm. "T'Pol's wounds are...she won't make it, Trip."_

_"Wh-what?" I gasped. It felt like the wind had just been knocked out of me._

_He cleared his throat again. "He said he needs to return her to Vulcan so her katra can be...I dunno, released or something."_

_"Released?" I asked. I didn't understand. "Her katra?" I looked down at the floor, trying to process what Captain Archer was telling me._

_"I think...I think it's the Vulcan equivalent of a soul. There's a ceremony to be performed when Vulcans die."_

_I looked up and stared at Archer. "But she's not dead," I said, my voice barely above a whisper._

_"Soval said she most likely will be by the time they reach Vulcan. He doesn't give her much hope."_

Soval, that son of a bitch _, I snorted derisively. "He never has given her much hope," I said with disgust. T'Pol was a part of our crew, not his. She fit in better with us than with her own people. Why did he suddenly want to take her with him? She didn't belong there; T'Pol belonged here with us, with me._

_"We have to go over there and get her, Captain. I know Phlox can save her. Just give him the chance!" I was getting desperate._

_Archer stood. "It's not my decision, Trip."_

_"I want to see her."_

_"You can't," he said quietly. "They're gone."_

_"Why did you let them go?" This was unbelievable. My world was collapsing around me._

_"What choice did I have?"_

_"You could have beamed her back! Sent over a team of MACOs! We could have done something! She could be here on Enterprise, in Sickbay!" I glared at him and lowered my voice to an even keel. "You could have told me sooner."_

_Archer stepped out from behind his desk. He gently grasped my shoulders. "Trip, she's gone," he said quietly._

_I couldn't look at him. I couldn't speak. Hell, I could hardly breathe. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening._

_The captain was saying something, but I couldn't hear him. My ears were buzzing, my head stuffed up. I shrugged out of his grasp as I felt tears prickling behind my eyes. I turned and glared at Archer._

_"How could you let this happen?" I accused._

_Without waiting for a response, I turned and walked out of his ready room._

* * *

I remember I had gone straight to Major Hayes to get the details about what had happened. He was very short but concise with his answers. They'd been ambushed from above while T'Pol was hacking into their database to swap coordinates. Everything was going according to plan except for the secret catwalks above. Our scans hadn't been able to penetrate them. We had no idea they were there. It had been like shooting fish in a barrel. She didn't stand a chance. To his credit, though, Hayes and his men managed to lay down enough cover fire to pull T'Pol out rather quickly. It could have been much worse.

"Commander?"

My attention snapped back to the present. Lieutenant Hess was holding out a data padd to me. I offered a tight smile and took the padd.

"Are you alright, sir?" she asked. She was frowning.

"I'm fine," I nodded. I wasn't, though, not really. It's been six weeks and I was still dwelling on T'Pol's death. Everyone on board knew it, too.

"Maybe you should go lay down for a while, sir," suggested Hess. "We'll be back to Earth in a couple days. There's not really much to do until then."

I looked at her. Hess offered me a sympathetic smile and gently pushed me towards the doors. "Thanks," I replied and took my leave of Engineering.

I wandered back to my quarters trying not to think about anything. I lay down on my bunk and closed my eyes. I hadn't realized how tired I was. Exhausted, really. Six weeks of not sleeping had finally caught up to me. I fell into a blissfully dreamless sleep.

The next thing I knew Phlox's voice was squawking at me through the comm.

"Commander Tucker?"

I sat up with a start.

"Commander?" the voice repeated.

I pushed the button on the comm. "Doc?"

"It's 1935, Commander."

_Oh shit!_

"I'll be right there," I said quickly into the wall unit. I jumped out of bed and made my way toward Sickbay. 

Captain Archer and Doctor Phlox were waiting for me when I arrived. They were seated in Phlox's office, talking quietly. I sat down in the empty chair and looked at my knees.

"Well," Phlox started. "Captain, perhaps you'd like to begin?"

Talk about cutting to the chase, I thought. Archer said nothing, just shifted uncomfortably in his chair. After a few moments of tense silence, the doctor turned his attention to me.

"Commander? Anything you'd like to say to the captain?"

It was my turn to shift uncomfortably. I kept my eyes on my knees and my mouth shut.

Phlox sighed loudly. "You two remind me of my sons when they were about eight years old," he stated. 

I looked up at him then. "There's nothing childish about this, Doc," I said coolly. 

"I didn't say there was."

The three of us sat in silence for long minutes. The captain and I refused to look at each other. I studied the things on Phlox's walls and countertops. He had quite an assortment of degrees. Occasionally the doctor would clear his throat, an attempt to urge us on.

"Maybe this wasn't a very good idea, Doctor." Archer finally spoke. He stood up to leave. He turned towards me and said, "I'm sorry, Trip."

I sat for a moment processing that. _He's sorry?!?_ I thought. It sounded almost flippant to my ears. _Does he have any idea what he's apologizing for?_ I turned to his retreating form and yelled, "Sorry for what?"

Archer stopped. I saw his shoulders slump. Slowly he turned around and took three steps toward where I was sitting.

"I'm sorry T'Pol died," he replied quietly. 

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You think I've been waiting for an apology?" I asked.

He gave me a tired shrug. "Whether you have or not, I'm giving you one now. I'm sorry I had to make that decision and that that decision came at the expense of a good friend. I'm sorry she's gone. And I'm sorry that I lost my best friend because of it." 

He looked so exhausted and beaten. He looked as if he wanted to cry. Captain Archer looked so much older. 

"I didn't want to send her, Trip," Archer continued. His eyes were the saddest I've ever seen. "She had the most training, the most experience. I had to. I can't let my personal feelings get in the way as the captain of this ship. Earth was at stake. The human race was on the brink of extinction. I had to send the best person for the mission."

Archer heaved a sigh and looked around the small office. I could see him blinking back tears. He caught my eye again and tried to smile. "As T'Pol would say, 'It was the logical thing to do.''' 

"She'll never say those words again," I heard myself say. I was still so angry. I was shaking. "Iâ€”I understand why you sent her, but I don't know if I can forgive you for it so easily."

"Trip-"

"You took the one thing from me that made me the happiest," I blurted out. 

Archer stood gaping at me. "It wasn't personal."

"Yes! Yes, it was!" I shouted. I stood up. "You have no idea what she meant to me. She was my world. Earth is saved, but my world is destroyed!" 

"I-I had no idea," he said quietly.

"I know you didn't," I replied bitterly. "You weren't around."

I sat back down heavily in the chair. "The last few months I thought you were jealous of what I had with T'Pol. But now I realize that you just...couldn't be bothered to look around you. To care enough what was happening to your crew...your friends."

"Is that what you think?" Archer said loudly. "That I didn't care? I was saving our planet!"

"WE were saving our planet! You weren't doing it alone!"

"I'm the captain! I couldn't risk getting emotionally involved!"

"Saving our species isn't emotional?" I shot back. I snorted. 

The captain sighed looked at Phlox for help. 

"Just forget it," I said. "I know you were doing what you had to do and it worked. But I don't see things going back to the way they were. I lost _two_ best friends out of this."

I got up and walked out of Sickbay.


	3. Chapter 3

"When does your transport leave?" Malcolm asked.

He had stopped by my apartment before the big event. Starfleet and Earth's governing body wanted a big celebration in honor of Enterprise and her crew for saving the planet. 

"Tomorrow morning," I said. I was packing my bag. I couldn't get out of here soon enough.

"I thought for sure you'd have hopped the first ship to Vulcan as soon as we got back," replied Malcolm. He was sitting in the chair in the corner. He tugged at the tight neck of his dress uniform.

"Yeah, well I would have. Admiral Forrest ordered me to attend this thing tonight," I said with disgust. 

"How long are you staying?"

"As long as it takes," I said. "Or until they get pissed off enough to kick me off their planet."

"Have you spoken to the captain?"

I sighed and paused my packing. I glanced up at Malcolm. He looked so worried. 

"Not since we docked. He's changed, Malcolm."

He nodded and said quietly, "I think maybe we all have, Trip."

I thought about that for a moment. He had a point. Maybe I had been a little hard on the captain. He was doing what was best for the mission, for the planet. I needed to get my ass to Vulcan and seek the closure of T'Pol's death, just like Phlox had ordered a week ago. I wanted to visit her gravesite, or whatever they had on Vulcan for the dead. I needed to see it with my own two eyes, to tell her goodbye. Maybe then I could think about forgiving Archer.

But I didn't want to talk about that. Changing the subject I asked, "When do _you_ leave?"

"She won't be ready for a few weeks," said Malcolm. He stood and tried to stretch. He grunted in frustration and tugged at his collar again. "Why do they insist on making these bloody things so unbearable?"

I smiled. "Because it looks good. Suffer the pain of beauty, Malcolm."

Malcolm uttered more curses and wandered about my room. He kept glancing at me, his mouth opening and then closing without a word. 

"Say it, Malcolm," I said. I knew he wanted to talk about it.

"Why'd you say no?" he asked bluntly. "I can't believe you'd turn down the Chief Engineer position on the NX-02. It's supposed to be far superior."

I sighed and sat down on my bed. "It's not about that. I can be just as content teaching warp theory or working on the new warp projects at Starfleet."

My friend raised an eyebrow at me in disbelief. His voice soft, he asked, "Is this still about T'Pol?"

I fiddled with one of the buttons on my uniform. How was I supposed to explain this to someone who lived and breathed the military, a life of regimented structure? Sometimes speaking from the heart wasn't such an easy thing with Lieutenant Malcolm Reed. 

"I just...I just can't imagine going back out there without her, Malcolm," I said quietly. "She's always been there with us. She was just as much a part of that crew as the rest of us." I paused for a moment and looked at him. "Truth is, I don't _want_ to do it without her."

Malcolm seemed to turn that over in his head. He nodded, then asked with a hint of trepidation, "That and you don't want to serve under Captain Archer again?"

I lifted my shoulder in a half shrug. One thing at a time. "Maybe."

We sat in silence for a few moments.

"You know, Trip," Malcolm started, "if I were a better friend, I'd tell you snap the hell out of it."

"And I'd tell you to go take a flying leap out an airlock," I replied with a smile.

He returned it with a nod. "I suppose it's about that time, then."

"I suppose," I agreed and got up. I was not looking forward to this ball or gala or whatever Starfleet had in mind. I just wanted to get on that transport to Vulcan.

* * *

When Malcolm and I arrived at the auditorium, there were photographers and paparazzi everywhere. There was a long, red carpet from the valet to the staging area. It was like an old fashioned movie premiere. Except that the crew of _Enterprise_ weren't all happy smiles. Most of them, I noticed, looked terrified. We weren't celebrities and none of us knew exactly what to do. We had a briefing a few days ago, but that didn't prepare us for the onslaught we received. This was to be a worldwide televised event and we were to be on our best behavior.

I heard shouts of " _Commander Tucker! Over here!_ " and " _Trip! A picture!_ " Everybody wanted my attention at once. I heard my name in various forms coming from all directions. The flashbulbs exploded one after another continuously for several minutes. One of the security people grabbed me by the elbow and led me down the carpet. I groped around blindly for Malcolm. I couldn't see anything but green and white residual flashbulbs burned into my retinas. 

We were led inside a huge auditorium with tables and chairs set up. There were hundreds of people already sitting down. A stage with a podium was set up along with a huge Starfleet banner behind it. I groaned inwardly. This was going to be a long evening. The room erupted with applause as the Enterprise crew made our way to the only empty tables left near the stage. More flashbulbs went off in all directions. There was some whooping from somewhere in the crowd, not quite drowned out by the uplifting and ceremonious music blaring on around us.

The senior officers were led to a table in the middle. It was decorated with white linen cloth, flowers all over, some kind of Starfleet-emblazoned centerpiece. Captain Archer sat at the head of the table; I was to his right ( _where T'Pol should have been_ , I thought) and Malcolm to my right. Hoshi, Travis and Doctor Phlox rounded out the Senior Staff table. I sat staring at all the people out there. They seemed to be beaming back at me. It made my heart swell, just a little. I suddenly didn't feel quite as much like the Grinch. I think I might have even smiled a bit. I looked around the staff tables. Everyone seemed to be over the initial shock of a hero's welcome and looked to be relaxed in their seats. 

I glanced over at Malcolm. He was looking around the room too, the biggest grin I've ever seen spread across his face. His eyes held a sense of wonder that was creeping into my bones as well. _All this for us_ , I thought. _We saved the world_. 

As I relaxed into the evening, I began to enjoy myself. The ceremony wasn't as dull as I feared. Speakers from Starfleet, the Government and even celebrities popped in to say a few words. I found myself listening intently to everything, laughing with everyone, sharing in the solemn moments of what we'd done and how we did it. It was all going along just fine until they had a memorial of sorts for all the hands lost on this mission. I felt my heart grow heavy again; felt that familiar sinking feeling in my gut that I'd been living with for six weeks.

Family members of the deceased walked up as their names were called to accept a plaque in honor of the crewmember. Flashbulbs exploded again. I heard tearful sobs out among the crowd, some sniffles at nearby tables. There were so many names, so many of my friends gone. My hands twisted and wrung the linen napkin in my lap. I suddenly just wanted this night to be over.

And then I heard her name. My head snapped up and I saw her walking up the aisle to the podium. A petite Vulcan dressed in formal robes strode purposefully towards the stage.

T'Pol!

The air left my lungs in a rush. I began to stand when I felt a strong hand grip my arm. I looked down at Malcolm. I must have said her name aloud because he was tugging at me to sit back down.

"It's not her, Trip!" he hissed.

I yanked my arm free and returned my gaze to the Vulcan. Malcolm was right. In fact, it wasn't even a female Vulcan. It was a young male with T'Pol's smooth skin and dark eyes. I sank heavily back into my seat. The young man cast a glance at the senior staff table as he walked up to accept the plaque in honor of T'Pol's sacrifice. God he looked just like her. Was it a younger brother? I didn't know she had any siblings. Perhaps a cousin? Some other extended family member? 

Her son?

I felt my stomach lurch at the thought. _No, she was never even married. It can't be a child of hers._ Could it? 

It hit me hard then that there was so much I didn't know about T'Pol. All the things I would never get the chance to know now. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat and willed this night to end.


	4. Chapter 4

I hadn't been home more than 20 minutes when I heard a soft knock at my door. I sighed and finished lighting the last of the meditation candles. Figuring it was probably Malcolm I didn't bother to put on a robe and went to answer the door.

It wasn't Malcolm.

There before me stood the same Vulcan male who accepted T'Pol's plaque at the ceremony. He wasn't wearing the formal robes, though. He wore slacks and a long coat. He straightened his already rigid posture as his eyes met mine.

"Good evening, Commander," he said softly. "I hope I am not disturbing you."

I blinked at him. His right eyebrow lifted just a fraction. My eyes narrowed at him, just a little. Who was this guy and why was he making such a late night, _personal_ visit? The words came out before I could stop them.

"Who are you?" I asked. I stood there in the doorway in just my boxers and a tank top, gaping at my guest. That was kinda rude, I thought belatedly.

"An acquaintance of your Sub-Commander," the Vulcan responded unflapped. "May I enter?"

He knew T'Pol. 

I was suddenly very curious as to what brought this young man to my door. I opened the door wider and stepped aside, sheepishly mumbling an apology. 

"You were meditating." It wasn't a question, though he did look rather surprised.

"I hadn't started yet," I said. "Have a seat. You want some tea or something?"

"No thank you, Commander," the young man replied. He perched on the edge of the sofa and looked around the living area. "T'Pol taught you to meditate?"

I sat down in a chair opposite him. "Nah," I said, shaking my head. "We never got around to that. I just started lighting the candles after she..." My voice trailed off. 

"You taught yourself?" he asked quietly.

I looked up at him. He seemed awfully curious for a Vulcan. Maybe because he was so young. Maybe he was one of those _V'tosh ka'tur_ , Vulcans without logic. Maybe I just had had the wrong idea about Vulcans altogether. 

"Not sure I'd call it meditating," I replied. "More like watching the candles melt and thinking."

He nodded. 

"What's your name, anyway?" I asked.

The young man's eyes widened and he stood quickly. "Forgive me, Commander. I am Kel. This is my first time to Earth."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Kel," I said. I couldn't help but smile at him. Poor guy probably had never been this up close and personal to this many Humans before. Especially in one's own dwelling. 

"It is a pleasure to meet you as well, Commander." 

There was a bit of an awkward silence. Curiosity got the better of me. I took a deep breath and said, "So Kel, what brings you by at this late hour?"

Kel suddenly looked very eager. "Perhaps you could dress. We can walk for a while. There is something I must tell you."

"Why can't you tell me here?" 

"Please, Commander," Kel replied. "It is a request that Sub-Commander T'Pol asked me to fulfill."

That was all I needed to hear for the moment. I got up and excused myself. I practically ran to my bedroom, threw on a sweatshirt and some jeans. I slid on a pair of shoes and was back out in the living room in a matter of seconds.

"Where are we going, then?" I asked. I opened the front door and ushered my guest outside.

* * *

We walked along the darkened streets towards the Vulcan Consulate. Kel walked briskly and with purpose. I had to jog to keep up with him. But he wasn't talking. I thought that was the whole point of this walk. I decided to break the ice a bit.

"Kel?" I said. "How did you know T'Pol?"

He slowed and looked around the street. "She was under my care in the infirmary."

"The infirmary?"

"Yes, on Vulcan. Soval brought her in with critical wounds."

I stopped short. "Soval? She made it to Vulcan?"

Kel stopped and turned around to face me. "Yes, of course. Vulcan ships have fully equipped medical bays. They were able to sustain her until she arrived in my ward."

T'Pol didn't die on that ship! 

"How long was she in your care?"

"Come along, Commander," replied Kel and started walking again. "She was with me for several weeks. She spoke of you and the crew of Enterprise often...and with much affection."

My heart was hammering loudly in my ears. _She didn't die_. 

"What did she say?" I heard myself ask hoarsely.

Kel looked up at me. His eyes were dark with sympathy. "She said she wished things could have ended differently."

I felt hot tears pricking my eyes. All I could do was nod and keep walking.

_Oh God, T'Pol, I wish things would have ended differently, too._

I nearly ran into Kel as he stopped in front of a building with a red door. I heard the soft tones of jazz permeate the air. 

"We've arrived," he said. He produced a small black cap and slipped it on his head, covering the points of his ears. Kel tugged on the brass handle and nudged me inside.

It was relatively well lit, for a night club. There was a live band on the stage near the back of the place. A decent crowd was gathered at the bar. I noticed most people were smiling and enjoying themselves. I turned to Kel. 

"What the hell are we doing here?"

Kel, ever the Vulcan, merely led me to a corner table that had been recently vacated. Empty drink glasses crowed the small table.

"Please sit, Commander."

Was he intentionally trying to rip my heart out? T'Pol had told me about her musical tastes, one of the few personal conversations we'd had. I had planned to take her here when we got back to Earth. I bit my lip and looked around. I sat down and glared at my companion. I was running out of patience.

"Kel, why'd you drag me all the way out here? What was so goddamn important?"

The Vulcan leaned forward, his hands clasped in front of him on the table. "It's about the Sub-Commander."

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "I kinda gathered that, Kel! _What about her_?" 

"She's-"

"-Standing right beside you," finished a soft, familiar voice.

My head snapped up and my mouth dropped open. I slowly stood up and gazed at the woman. She wore dark clothing and a black cap similar to Kel's. 

"T'Pol?" I said, reaching out a hand to touch her. I never would have recognized her. She was so thin. Dark circles ringed her eyes and she looked tired. But it was her. 

"Trip."

Her hand met mine and our fingers entwined. I thought for sure my heart stopped beating. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. My mouth hung open in shock and surprise. My other hand reached up to caress her face. She was here. She was real. I felt tears spill down my cheeks. T'Pol lifted a hand up and brushed them away. Her eyes never left mine. Her hand snaked around my neck and she pulled me to her. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tightly. There was no way on Earth I was going to let her go. Not again. 

I wept softly into her shoulder. Tears of relief, joy, confusion and countless other emotions wet her neck and coat. She whispered soothing words into my ear. I think she may have been speaking Vulcan. 

When my sobs had subsided, T'Pol gently pushed me back and gazed up at me. Her eyes were shining in the semi-darkness of the nightclub. She looked on the verge of bursting into tears or cracking a huge grin, either way walking a thin line of control. I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. I buried my face in her neck and shoulder again and inhaled deeply. I pulled back and looked at her.

"You smell different," I said. I couldn't place it.

T'Pol cocked an eyebrow at me. "I've been on Vulcan."

I frowned quizzically at her. "Is that what Vulcan smells like?" I asked absently. 

I looked around at a small crowd of onlookers. Apparently I had made quite a scene there. 

"We have much to discuss," she told me quietly, ignoring my comment. She glanced around the bar at the crowd. "Is there somewhere else we can go? Somewhere private?"

I nodded and said, "My place isn't far." I turned to Kel...or rather the place where he was sitting a few minutes ago. He was gone.

"He was a great help," T'Pol said. "I could not have done this without him."

"Why'd you send him? Why meet here? Why didn't you just come to my apartment?" The questions spilled out of my mouth before I could think about them. "Why didn't you come to the ceremony? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

"All your questions will be answered," she replied cryptically. "But not here."

We walked briskly back towards my apartment. My impatience for the truth was only tempered by the fact that T'Pol was alive, her warm hand in mine. I felt absolutely giddy and fought back the tears that kept threatening. I couldn't tell if I wanted to laugh or cry. All I knew for certain was that this walk was a lot longer than I remembered.

When we finally made it back to my place, I shut the apartment door and locked it. I turned and looked at T'Pol. I saw a very familiar fire in her eyes. I took a step towards her.

"God, T'Pol," I whispered. "I've missed you so much."

Before I could take another breath, her mouth was on mine.

* * *

We laid in my bed in a post-coital embrace. It could have been hours or it could have been minutes. I'd lost all track of time. It didn't matter. I was snuggled against T'Pol, my limbs wrapped around her, touching every inch of her. I knew I wouldn't get any answers from her until she was good and ready to talk. My head rested on her shoulder, my fingers traced the light scars on her stomach. Her fingers combed through my hair.

"Trip," she said quietly. 

"Hmm?" I kissed the swell of her left breast.

"I'm sorry," T'Pol said.

I pulled back and looked at her in confusion. "What in the world do you have to be sorry for, T'Pol?"

"For not returning sooner."

"You were dead," I replied with a smile. "Maybe you should start with the answers now?"

"Indeed." T'Pol turned in my arms to face me. She bit her bottom lip, a gesture of concern I'd never seen before.

"Just start from the beginning," I said, stroking her cheek. I kissed her softly. I decided to urge her on with a question. "What happened after Soval beamed you out?"

T'Pol allowed herself a sigh. "I can't remember. The last thing I recall is Major Hayes shouting a warning to me on the Xindi weapon. I remember an intense burning pain in my abdomen...then nothing.

"I awoke many days later in a Vulcan infirmary. I had no notion of time or what had occurred. Kel, my personal medical attendant, filled me in. Though he only knew what the High Command wanted him to know."

She paused in her story. T'Pol turned those big, brown eyes on me. She looked so hurt and confused. _Betrayed_ , I thought. She shifted again, pushing me on my back so she could rest her head on my shoulder. Her fingers idly played with my chest hair as she continued.

"Soval told Kel I'd been shot by unknown weaponry in a battle with the Xindi; that when I was properly healed, I would be taken for the Kolinar ceremony."

"Kolinar ceremony?" I asked. "What's that?"

"The purging of unwanted emotions and memories," T'Pol replied. Her voice cracked.

"Wait a minute," I said. "Soval wanted to wipe your memory of the Xindi?"

T'Pol shook her head slightly. "Of my time on Enterprise."

"That bastard!" I said without thinking. 

"He didn't get the opportunity to go through with it. Kel was a formidable ally in helping me recover without the Kolinar. You see, he was a member of the V'tosh ka'tur. Kel downplayed my recovery to Soval. He asked many questions about my tenure on Enterprise. I felt comfortable telling him the truth, that I felt more at ease with a ship full of Humans than with even one member of the High Command."

I whistled softly. "Well I'll be damned."

"Kel and I devised a way to avoid the Kolinar," T'Pol continued. "Soval became suspicious of my slow healing. We knew Earth was planning an elaborate ceremony for the crew of Enterprise. We pushed our luck but were able to delay Soval's plans until after his Starfleet engagement on Earth."

A smile crept across my face at the thought of T'Pol going behind the ambassador's back. Making him wait. I felt a chuckle rumble up from my throat. A thought occurred to me.

"Why didn't you contact me?" I asked. "I would have been there in a heartbeat. I'd have busted you out, helped to ensure a clean getaway."

"I could not risk that. It was best for the time being that the crew thought me dead. And Soval made every effort possible to make me aware of just that. I believe he derived great pleasure in ensuring me that my crewmates did not expect me back."

"So let me get this straight," I said. "You played sick until Soval left for Earth, delaying your memory wipe. You hitched a ride here, without Soval or the rest of the Command knowing?"

"Essentially, yes."

"How'd you manage that?"

"Kel's father is a member of the Command. I believe he used some improper channels. He arranged transport on the ship his brother is traveling on. You remember Kov?"

My eyes widened. "Kov? Kov is Kel's brother? Son of a bitch."

"Kov said he was quite fond of you and owed you a favor. He agreed readily to bring me back to Earth."

"How'd my name get dragged into all that?"

T'Pol was silent for a moment. Her fingers stilled against my chest. When she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper.

"I told Kel you were my th'y'la."

"Thyla?"

"My _beloved_."

She looked up at me. I felt the tears welling up again. God how this woman could reduce me to emotional pudding. 

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" I asked softly. 

Instead of answering me with words, T'Pol leaned into me and kissed me deeply. When we finally broke off, she snuggled back against me.

"So," I said, trying to pick the conversation back up, "you're here illegally and that's why you didn't tell anyone. That's why you didn't show up at the ceremony."

"Correct."

"But why have Kel come over to get me to meet you at the jazz club?"

She didn't answer.

"T'Pol?"

"It was a small indulgence on my part," she replied quietly. "Besides of which, I wasn't certain if you lived alone or if you'd have guests after the ceremony. I found it safer to do it the way it was done. I did not know if I was being followed."

I frowned. Followed? Were the Vulcans really that paranoid? I decided to let that last comment go and held her tighter. 

"Tell me," said T'Pol, "how is everyone?"

"Oh, things are chugging along, I guess," I replied with a sigh. "Most everyone has signed on to the NX02."

"You did not." T'Pol looked up at me again.

"How'd you know?" 

She raised an eyebrow at me. "Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated." 

"I can't believe you're joking about that," I said. 

"I'm hardly making light of it. I know you did not sign up for a new mission. Please tell me you do not blame Captain Archer for my...demise." She sounded like she was scolding me. I suddenly felt very sheepish and stupid. 

T'Pol sighed and lightly slapped my chest. "You are more stubborn than you ever accused Vulcans of being."

She had me there. 

"Tell you what, I'll kiss and make up with the captain if you sign on with me," I offered. 

"Done," replied T'Pol without so much as a pause.

I smiled and kissed the top of her head. A peaceful calm settled over me that I hadn't felt in months. I finally drifted off into a peaceful sleep.


End file.
